I honestly didn’t think I would make 30 years old. I didn’t want to, or so I thought. I hated who I was. I hated everything about my life. I was going to drink myself to death. That is what I was going to do. Like the misunderstood, dark brooding characters I romanticised so much.Continue reading “Turning 40… Sober…”

“Fall down seven times, stand up eight!” The shock. The disruption. The worry. The concern. The stress. The anxiety. All are present at the initial point of destruction. As life seems to fracture into dust and be swept away in the breeze. “What am I going to do?” “How am I going to go on?”Continue reading “Rebuilding…”

Alcohol was a fast way to overcome problems. It was the circuit breaker that brought silence to a chattering mind. Like a solar eclipse to a tree full of birds who stop chittering away in the confusion of the sudden darkness. It worked wonderfully for years. Kept me alive in fact. Crazy notion, but I thinkContinue reading “Silence the inner critic…”

A gluttonous Christmas. A hedonistic holiday. The promise of peace through indulgence. Yet, the only things I gained were extra weight and discomfort. In the absence of alcohol, chocolate reigned supreme. That joy-full kick as the sugar turns to serotonin. The promise of happiness dissolves and administering another hit seems like the only option. IContinue reading “Walking the weight off…”

I just made the short walk from my front door to the bustling seafront. Welcomed by a bright blue sky and the open expanse of the horizon it was impossible to not take a large inhale of the fresh, clean air. Walking along the raised path next to the beach I could feel the warmthContinue reading ““Why are you always smiling?””

Not the movie. I hated that movie. Well, it was a nice story but attached to the title “The pursuit of Happyness” it left me with the feeling that to become happy I must become “successful” by societies terms. There are only so many places at the “top”. There will always be people needed toContinue reading “The Pursuit of Happiness…”

“If you have to control it, it is out of control already!” A great quote once said to me regarding alcohol. This was after a reasonably successful stint of monitoring my intake with extreme effort. Who was I trying to prove a point to? Myself? The world? The doubters and critics of my lifestyle? TheContinue reading “Relinquishing control…”

For the past year, I have been involved in some voluntary work. It’s a befriending service. Designed to help the most isolated in society to feel more connected. I would like to profess some kind of saintly reason for signing up but in every act of selflessness there lays some selfishness. The lockdown was aContinue reading “What “Should” I be doing?”

Yesterday was a beautiful day. A cool breeze like a rousing slap that forces engagement within the moment. The sun magnified the vibrant colours of autumn. I don’t think anyone has a greater palette to select from than nature. And if they do, no one uses it as well. It’s so simple yet so elegant.Continue reading “Another day in paradise…”

My problem with AA meetings is that many are almost reminiscing sessions. Like the guy at the end over the bar who never got over that one woman. His friends tried everything to help him move on but he refused. Instead of living life, he is spending his time reliving the glory days again andContinue reading “Prisoner to the past…”

Tell me what you eat and I’ll tell you who you are Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin Over the years, I have experienced varying extremes of diets due to mental health issues. On one side was gluttony. Anything that changed my state of mind in a small amount must work better if I had MORE. More takeaways.Continue reading “Poor Diet and Mental Health…”

The last year has been overwhelming for many people. There is a growing mental health epidemic. Young and old are experiencing depression, anxiety, loneliness and despair at high levels. I have been negatively affected over the last year. Depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts plagued a large part of my life. It was hard to keep going.Continue reading “Exercise and Mental Health…”

Someone once said to me “The problem is you have started asking questions you shouldn’t have started asking. You have opened Pandora’s box!” I didn’t understand at the time. I would often wonder about the intricacies of life and the direction I was taking. Was I enjoying the things I did or was I doingContinue reading “The Dangers of Self-Reflection”

My weight crept up on me. Until one day my clothes stopped fitting properly. I didn’t really notice until it became an issue. The same with mental health. If I stop doing the things that keep me balanced and well, then slowly I begin to descend downwards. My thinking gets a little derailed. Eventually, itContinue reading “Maintaining a healthy lifestyle…”

For the last couple of months, I have felt lost. A sense of trying to find something amongst the chaos of uncertainty. My mind has been buffeted by possibilities yet I end up chasing threads that lead nowhere. Paralysis by analysis. I have struggled to write. Creativity has been pushed aside by anxiety. There areContinue reading “Feeling lost…”

When I was in my late teens and early twenties I was a “lad“. Well, a wannabe lad who was really a nerd. I would dismiss anything that laid outside of the narrative of my created image. This approach cut me off from so much of life. The bravado I believed I needed to protectContinue reading “Taking action & getting sober”

In 2008, I suffered a debilitating dark depression that kept me, prisoner, for most of the year. Being a working-class man, depression wasn’t something I knew about. The thought of reaching out was debilitating. The illusionary image of strength was the enemy of my recovery. It restricted me from reaching out sooner. It kept meContinue reading “Lessons from depression…”

Down but never out. Once awash with alcohol. Drowning in a sea of chaos. Stranded and lost. Bereft of hope. It seemed impossible. Stuck in a cycle of destruction wishing for the end while fighting for life. The way to break a cycle is to introduce change. It doesn’t have to be extreme. A smallContinue reading “Just because you’re down. It doesn’t mean you’re out!”

I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to read my blog. This is the 100th post on here. Over 100,000 words of, well, stuff. I expected to give up after a few months but I get some positive feedback. I started it because I had experiences to share. Battling addiction. LosingContinue reading “I just wanted to say thank you… 100th post”

Hey up, Charlie, I know you will probably dismiss everything I say as nonsense but I ask you to read on and reread until what I tell you sinks in. I know you believe you need to live with reckless abandon because you are destined for failure. So why try? Well, I am here toContinue reading “A letter to my eighteen year old self”

Many people, myself included, drank alcohol to escape themselves. Or in some instances to try to be someone else. The thought of being a different person is often fuelled by a deep self-loathing. Possibly from some trauma. Or through repetition of negative sayings. This could be from a family member. Or even sensitivity to theContinue reading “The Great Reconnect…”

It seemed like it happened in a week. A quick decline of mood that brought a burst of tears that covered my face for two hours. But the uncontrollable sobbing was the beginning of the escape. After travelling the world, my consciousness felt too big for my head. Like I was trying to squeeze twoContinue reading “Dark night of the soul…”

2372 days, one day at a time. That’s how long it’s been since I last drank alcohol. The time has passed quickly. The initial panic of the early days of sobriety is a distant memory. Those lonely days of uncertainty. And second-guessing every decision. The fog slowly clearing to reveal a world that I livedContinue reading “Living one day at a time…”

*Depression is a horrible situation to be in. The writing below is what I said to myself. It is no way meant to undermine anyone’s struggle with mental health. It was just what I needed to hear to get me over the last hurdle towards recovering. I sought out help, talked to people about itContinue reading “A letter to myself in depression”

The increasingly bare branches of a tree demonstrate that it is preparing for change. The leaves have served their purpose. They got the tree through the summer. Allowed it to get ready for the difficult winter. The tree will flourish again next year. With new leaves. The process goes around and around. Shedding. Growing. Blossoming.Continue reading “The tree with the toxic leaf…”

Twelve years ago, in the belly of the beast of depression, I refused medication. I thought it was cheating. Plus I was using a substantial amount of alcohol as medication. It didn’t work. In fact, the alcohol exacerbated the situation but what was I to know? I was a depressed alky. The talking therapy helpedContinue reading “The Fluoxetine Dream…”

Alcohol wasn’t the problem. It was the cure. It silenced the chaotic turbulence that presented itself as my thoughts. Like standing in an auditorium and everyone is shouting. It’s very difficult to pick up a single voice before it’s consumed in the noise. The ideas lead nowhere as one is killed by the next. AlcoholContinue reading “A chaotic mind…”

Sitting on a bench in quiet contemplation. Watching the people pass and the waves roll up the beach. The sound draws me back into the moment after my mind had begun to spin away into some chaotic scenario that will never happen. The thoughts hit my mind with the regularity of the waves. They canContinue reading “Life is a blank canvas…”

In March, I couldn’t breathe. A short walk across the park to the shop had me wheezing. It was worrying. I was reasonably fit at this point but had just been travelling for five months. Tasting all the wonders of the various places had led to me putting a stone on in weight. I’d triedContinue reading “From COVID to 10km”

That’s what was said to me in the beginning, “Just take one day at a time.” It made sense. I mean the future was bleak. The past was broken. So taking each day as it comes made sense. The advice was a great gift. It allowed me to focus on the important things. The twenty-fourContinue reading “One day at a time…”

In the UK in 1979 household debt was 37% of GDP. By 1990 it was 73%. Just before the COVID lockdown, it was 83%. It is quite apparent the economic systems that have been implemented by the governments over the years have emphasized public borrowing to increase public spending. This has resulted in an ever-decreasing interest rateContinue reading “Get rid of your debt!”

*Disclaimer- This is my personal experience it is in no way intended to diminish anyone else’s struggle* Alcohol was my medicine. A belly full of lager made everything disappear… until the morning. I never learned to deal with life. I opted for an escape over reality. I pointed fingers and avoided responsibility. All the whileContinue reading “Mental health and reaching out.”

My names Charlie and I’m an alcoholic… It’s just a word, alcoholic, but the history and imagery give it weight. Even in this world of gender fluidity and obesity normalisation, the word alcoholic is still synonymous with defective. The threat of being a pariah in a world awash with alcohol stopped me from seeking help. IContinue reading “Seven things I also recovered from thanks to quitting drinking.”

I remember being perched on a barstool, grasping a desperate pint, trapped by the belief that my situation would continue indefinately. I assumed that tomorrow would be a carbon copy of today. There were no blue skys in my future. There was no hope. I am here to tell you it doesn’t have to beContinue reading “My eight steps to wellness”

My mind can slip into negativity. The futility of life is often dissected in my thoughts. The awareness of the human condition and mortality can leave me with a burning desire to achieve… something. This bleakness of outlook is almost annual. It comes along like a possession. My thinking turns dark and I am leftContinue reading “Loneliness in isolation”

Walking through my desolated local town centre reminded me of venturing around the deserted ruins of an ancient culture. The branded stores that people identified with lay silent much like the places of worship of a defunct religion. In this quiet, it begins to dawn on me that society, or more specifically, shops, hold aContinue reading “Time of reflection…”

It is the end. Five months of travel has come to an end. I am typing this at the airport. I have just achieved my dream of travelling the world. It is a dream I have held since I was in my late teens. It only happened because one day I said “I’ve had enough.Continue reading ““I’ve had enough. I have a problem and I want to change!””

It was Christmas time and there was no sound in the houseNothing to hear, not even a mouse.But wait!What’s this?I think I hear somethingYes, it sounds like someone munchingAhh, of course, it’s Charlie eating and getting fat.He’s using Christmas as an excuse to be a right lazy twat. My exercise routine took a backseat overContinue reading “The importance of exercise”

Imagine becoming the person that you drank to become but without the negative aspects of drinking. Imagine being that person. A person who you like being. With confidence and strength. Integrity and self-respect. Imagine setting a goal and achieving it. Imagine standing at the finish line and looking back and think holy shit I didContinue reading “Change your mindset and you change your future…”

My current life is quite transient, yet I still try to treat people well. I don’t have to. Many I will never see again and their opinions hold no sway over my future. Despite this, I still try to leave a positive impression on people. For years I tried to be what people wanted. IContinue reading “Leaving a trail of positivity?”

It’s strange how things change. Years ago, I did anything to not have to be inside my head because it was a nasty place to be. Full of ruthless diatribes and words barbed for the sole purposes of hurting. It was a nasty neighbourhood that one day I chose to face. I didn’t think itContinue reading “How to cultivate a Positive Inner World!”

It’s Friday night and I’m in a hostel in Santa Monica. I am alone because everyone in the hostel has gone out drinking… Rewind… It is Friday night and I am in a hostel in Santa Monica. I am alone but not because everyone in the hostel is out drinking. I am laid in bedContinue reading “The fear of missing out”

It gets easier as I go along. The worries that used bounce frantically around my mind at night keeping me awake, no longer show up. I never thought I would be free from this. I never thought I would be free from the ominous depression that hung on me like a lead life jacket. TheContinue reading “A decade after seeking help”

Sitting on top of the sun pyramid at Teotihuacan, I can see the sights I’d googled a thousand times before. Now, I was here. Like many things over the past few weeks, it didn’t seem real. Like a dream that I would awake from and be trapped back in that old life, the one ofContinue reading “An attitude of gratitude”

There’s still time to change the road your on. That was the line from the iconic Led Zeppelin song “Stairway to Heaven,” that accompanied the delectable sight of the Grand Teton Mountain range as we toured through the USA. It had so much meaning because I may have been 3000 miles from home but, emotionally, IContinue reading “There’s still time to change the road you’re on…”

It didn’t happen overnight. It was a constant downward spiral over many years that lead me to the gates of Hell. One terrible mistake after another. One morally bankrupt decision masked by a lie too many. Each fuck up another step downwards. As the heat rose, I needed more liquid to cool me down. Eventually,Continue reading “20 lessons learned on the journey back from Hell…”

Halfway between towns. In a field. Hiking up a hill in the driving rain and cold constant wind. I can’t help but think Why did I do this? I had foolishly agreed to walk the length of Hadrian’s hall in northern England with some friends. At the point of regret, we had walked 44 milesContinue reading “5 lessons of Sobriety from hiking Hadrian’s Wall”

By nature, I’m a cynic. Suspicious to the point of paranoia and an ardent demander for proof. For years, I would pooh-pooh spirituality as new age commercialisation of archaic practices. I still believe some are but I cannot deny that gratitude and spirituality have transformed my outlook exponentially. In my drinking days, I was angry.Continue reading “10 lessons from gratitude, spirituality and the quest for happiness”

All our energy is spent for the purpose of getting what we want, and most people never question the premise of this activity: that they know their true wants. They do not stop to think whether the aims they are pursuing are something they themselves want. In school they want to have good marks, asContinue reading “Whose life is it anyway? – A caffeine inspired rant!”

At the height of my hedonism, I weighed 18 stone 6 pounds (117kg). And being 5’ 10” (177cm) meant I had a BMI of 36. I was obese. I felt like a stegosaurus, lumbering through life, consuming everything in its path. My heaviest weight coincided with some of my lowest points mentally. On reflection, IContinue reading “A guide to #wellness”