Feeling lost…

For the last couple of months, I have felt lost. A sense of trying to find something amongst the chaos of uncertainty. My mind has been buffeted by possibilities yet I end up chasing threads that lead nowhere. Paralysis by analysis. I have struggled to write. Creativity has been pushed aside by anxiety. There areContinue reading “Feeling lost…”

The Great Reconnect…

Many people, myself included, drank alcohol to escape themselves. Or in some instances to try to be someone else. The thought of being a different person is often fuelled by a deep self-loathing. Possibly from some trauma. Or through repetition of negative sayings. This could be from a family member. Or even sensitivity to theContinue reading “The Great Reconnect…”

A letter to myself in depression

*Depression is a horrible situation to be in. The writing below is what I said to myself. It is no way meant to undermine anyone’s struggle with mental health. It was just what I needed to hear to get me over the last hurdle towards recovering. I sought out help, talked to people about itContinue reading “A letter to myself in depression”

The Well – A Poem

It’s cold, dark, damp and bleak, I want to climb but I’m far too weak, Plus, there’s a voice telling me I have no chance So I sit alone in this unforgiving circumstance. So I sat in the misery for three months maybe four, The disembodied voice castigating me evermore, Slowly in the darkness ofContinue reading “The Well – A Poem”

The impact of destructive thinking…

Everything is as it should be. My inner world is calm. There are no major issues to worry about. In fact, gratitude is abundant. Life really could be worse. Lots of bad things could happen. I’ll find one. Eviscerate it. And spread its unlikely potential across my brain. “Ahhhh” I will sigh, as the peaceContinue reading “The impact of destructive thinking…”

The Fluoxetine Dream…

Twelve years ago, in the belly of the beast of depression, I refused medication. I thought it was cheating. Plus I was using a substantial amount of alcohol as medication. It didn’t work. In fact, the alcohol exacerbated the situation but what was I to know? I was a depressed alky. The talking therapy helpedContinue reading “The Fluoxetine Dream…”

A chaotic mind…

Alcohol wasn’t the problem. It was the cure. It silenced the chaotic turbulence that presented itself as my thoughts. Like standing in an auditorium and everyone is shouting. It’s very difficult to pick up a single voice before it’s consumed in the noise. The ideas lead nowhere as one is killed by the next. AlcoholContinue reading “A chaotic mind…”

Quitting alcohol made me human, not invincible!

I’ve searched high and low for solutions. Internal and external. Each works for a while. Then I return to the same feeling. Flat. Dead. Numb. I do not want to carry this cross anymore. Its weight is slowing me down. Normal things in normal life seem pointless. The joy of the simple has been takenContinue reading “Quitting alcohol made me human, not invincible!”

I got sober then threw it away…

In 2011, under the recommendation of my Doctor, I started to attend drinks counselling. I was far too guarded to discuss any of the problems in my chaotic mind. I used to tell the counsellor what I thought she wanted to hear. I wasn’t ready for the truth. I would try and one-up her intellectually.Continue reading “I got sober then threw it away…”

How it all began

“Just admit you have a drinking problem,” she said, with her hand holding the door open, primed like a sprinter on the starting block. “Problem? What problem? I pay my bills, my mortgage, I’ve got a job, I’ve got a car. How can I have a problem?” I said. “Because once you pay for thoseContinue reading “How it all began”