I ponder about the energy of life. My life energy. My lust for life. I mean where did it disappear for all those years. For over ten years I was a heavy drinker. I accepted sluggishness as normality. How did I get trapped in a cycle of destructive mundanity? I was convinced that alcohol would save me. On reflection it is sad. Sad that it got to that point. Sad that I let life beat me down so much. Sad that I was prepared to accept that nonexistence as my fate. Sad because I had no belief I could escape that torrid existence. Sad because I was scared to test my mantel and fall into freedom. I was stuck.
Well, I say fuck that. One life. One opportunity to be the person I want to be. I say to hell with the shackles of expectation. I say I will walk tall and proud. The scars of the past are now part of my soul. Part of a spirit that never quit and eventually was rewarded. I tore up the script of my life and started writing new chapters as I went along. For over five years I haven’t had a drink now and my life is not the one I used to live. I am not the person that I used to be.
For me, removing alcohol was just the start. It gave clarity to my life. Kind of like removing a lunatic dictator from a country. The problems don’t disappear overnight it just paves the way for progress to happen. Progress takes hard work that appears daunting but is surprisingly rewarding and sometimes enjoyable. I had to ask myself the question of what would I do with the money and time I no longer wasted on alcohol? Travel? Study? Learn music? Get healthy? I did everything that I wanted to do. I wrote lists of things I would like to achieve and then tried them. When I either succeeded or failed I made new lists. New goals. New dreams. I took them and broke them down into manageable pieces; “What do I have to do today to get closer to my dream?” The answer was always “Don’t drink!”
For the first time in my life, I am without a goal. I have lived out my dreams. Dreams that once upon a time were so far away from being achievable that they weren’t dreams, they were impossibilities.
I was my own worst enemy back then. I was the obstacle to life. I had a problem for every solution and an encyclopedia of excuses. I was scared of failing and looking stupid. When I first quit drinking, I did it to prove myself wrong. I challenged myself to go for a week, then a month and then a year. Each step forward gave me confidence. In the end, I won my freedom from the soul-sapping habit that used to dictate my life. I have experienced people, places and things I never thought possible. I learned things and did things I thought beyond my capability. All thanks to a simple belief;
MY LIFE WILL BE BETTER WITHOUT ALCOHOL!
I used to repeat it like a mantra until it was ingrained in my psyche. Advertising told me I would be better with alcohol. I told myself the opposite. I have constantly been proven right.
I encourage you to try. I’m sure you will be pleasantly surprised.